You Baby Girl, Saved My Life

People often ask me how I did it? What finally made you realize your greatness?  Honestly, it took me a long time to figure it out.  There were so many times I thought this time will work, this therapist will save me, this hospital check in will make me snap out of it.  There were so many good things in my life showing me I was enough, I was worth it, but I didn't believe any of it.  The day I found out I was pregnant with Claire changed everything.

If you had asked me when I was in high school or even in college if I ever wanted kids my answer would be, absolutely not. Don't get me wrong, I loved little kids, but to actually get prenant? Nope, no way. Getting pregnant meant one thing to me. Gaining weight, lots of it. The thought of even putting on one pound was devastating to me, so to get pregnant and put on pounds in the double digits just wasn't an option for me. I would often dream of what it would be like to get pregnant and experience the incredible changes a woman's body goes through. What would it be like to grow a tiny little person inside my belly without even thinking twice about the weight gain that came with it? Often times I thought about how incredible it would be to become a mother I would get really angry. Why did I have to get so upset about the fact that I would have to gain weight in order to be a mom? Why was gaining weight something that paralyzed me when I even thought of putting on a single ounce in order to be a mother? Over time I learned to just accept the fact that I would never, ever be a mom because it just wasn't something I could be ok with for my body.  Looking back now, that's so sad to me. 

Then came the day my husband said, "When should we start planning a family?" Those words were like a silent siren blaring in my ears, telling me to run. I remember being completely frozen, not knowing what the right thing to say was. I desperately wanted kids but was so terrified that if I started putting on the pregnancy weight it would set back my recovery progress too far. So instead of making a huge scene or crying out, I simply replied, "Let's do it." Deep down I didn't think I'd even be able to actually get pregnant after all the damage I had done to my body. 

After months of trying to get pregnant with no success I felt a small sigh of relief. Even after going to the doctor's office to find out that I was never ovulating on my own and that I'd need to be on medication to help, I felt safe again. The doctor had told me it was very likely medication would not work for me due to carrying on my eating disorder at such a young age and for so long. I felt that getting pregnant just wasn't going to happen for me, and I was ok with it. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders until the day finally came that I saw a big old positive plus sign on a pregnancy test. A flood of emotions hit me all at once and I dropped to the ground. This couldn't be real. What on Earth was I going to do? I was so excited but so terrified at the same time. How was I going to cope with everything that came with being pregnant? How could I possibly care for another human being if I couldn't even fully be kind to myself? That was the moment I knew it was time to change. No more destructive behavior, no more ripping myself apart every time I looked in the mirror. It was time to start fully loving myself for who I truly was. Being a mother came with a whole new level of responsibilities. I wanted to be completely mentally and emotionally stable to be able to handle it all. 

If you're struggling with an eating disorder I'm definitely not saying, "Hurry and go get pregnant, it'll fix things." Getting pregnant was just what pushed me in the right direction in getting mentally healthy again. It was one of the most incredible things I watched my body go through and I was surprised at how much I enjoyed watching the changes. Claire is one of the best things that has happened in my life. So, one day you'll know baby girl, you saved my life. 

Xo!