Second Chances

Change, change can be scary. You may want change to happen with all your heart, but at the same time be terrified what life will be like once it takes place.  After years of depending on an eating disorder to guide you through life, to be your constant companion, getting rid of it can make you feel like you are losing everything. With so many different emotions rushing through you after you've decided it's time to get help, you'll know it's going to be hard. But making  the decision to heal, to move on, to be free, is the first step in truly getting your life back. It's choosing to live!

Would you believe me if I told you I went on an LDS mission? Well, at least I tried. I was a fixer.  I tried to fix things, people, situations, other than my own so the attention wasn’t focused on my personal struggles.  I thought that if I stepped up and went on a mission my current boyfriend would go on one too, our families would be proud of me, my eating disorder would just go away. Clearly all the wrong reasons to go on such a life changing experience.  I was called to serve in the Rosario, Argentina, Spanish speaking mission. At first I felt so confident in my decision.  I knew I was doing the right thing and if I made it through I would magically be healed of all my problems. WRONG! The first few weeks were tough, scary, lonely, but after a month passed things started getting bad.  I had never felt so torn up and alone so I dealt with it the only way I knew how.  Once again I let ED take over and thought if I could control my eating then this mission thing would work out, fall in to place.  It didn't.  Two days before I was supposed to leave for Argentina I decided I was done. I wanted to go home, to run away, to give up.  Little did I know going home things were about get a whole lot worse.

The guilt of coming home early from a LDS mission is real. I felt like a failure, like I had let everyone around me down, that my parents were disappointed in me, and within a few weeks I tanked. I went back to my doctors, therapists, nutritionist, but they didn't help. I didn't want them to help, I deserved what was going on. Quickly my destructive patterns dug me into a deep, dark hole and there was no way out.  I will never forget waking up in a hospital having NO clue what was going on.  With multiple IVs, feeding tubes, and a nurse saying, "Girl, I have no idea how you're alive right now, but you've been given a second chance."  I had experienced a severe seizure early that morning and had no idea it even happened.  My poor mom had found me convulsing on the bathroom floor and without a doubt saved my life by getting me to the hospital. For two days I was pumped full of fluids trying to nurse my body back to being sustainable.  I was babysat like a little child with every move I made.  I wasn't allowed to make a move without a nurse watching my every step, every breath.  It was the most surreal, confusing experience I've ever had to go through.  Sitting in the hospital bed I knew things needed to change, that I needed to fight for my life, but at the same time, I didn't want to let go of my security blanket.  ED had been there for me, had been something I thought I could count on but in reality was my biggest enemy.

Change can't all happen over night, I knew that, but it was time to get started. I had to pull myself away from destructive relationships and fully focus on healing. It was time to start taking baby steps so I could live, I wanted to live. I tried so hard to fully accept myself, to live healthy, to love the person I was but man it was hard!  For 4 more years I worked on making myself whole again with lots of bumps in the road.  If you've read my other posts you know that the day I found out I was pregnant, was the day that I finally chose to let ED go.  How could I become a mother if I didn't fully love myself, or take care of myself?  It was time to take those baby steps in to action.

So, how did I do it?  I practiced what I learned, what I knew worked for me.  Each morning I looked in the mirror and told myself, "You are strong, you are beautiful, you are worth it."  You wouldn't believe how empowering it is to start your day with positive affirmations.  Every single time I felt down or anxious, I talked to my husband.  He was my rock, my shoulder to lean on. Talking to someone who genuinely listens, builds you up, comforts you, is the perfect way to replace those eating disorder urges.  It helps calm you down, get the anxiety out, and lets the urge pass.  Get outside and breathe that fresh air!  You'd be surprised at how much the natural sun, fresh air, and beautiful scenery is good for the soul. Every single time I wanted put myself down, or would work myself up with anxiety, I'd get outside and feel so much better.  All of these things set me on the right path to being healthy, to loving myself again but the most important thing of all is creating a healthy relationship with food again.  It sounds so silly even saying that but it's true. There were several times a meal would be placed in front of me and it took everything I had not to burst in to tears, but once I learned that food is what keeps us going it became easier.  I learned how eat healthy, what foods  nourish my body in the right way, and even be ok eating a treat without thinking it was the end of the world.   Food is not the enemy, nor is it the underlining issue of an eating disorder, so dig deep and find the root of what is causing the internal battle.  Find something you are passionate about and run with it.  Do something you have always wanted to do but have been too afraid and go for it!

Second chances don't come around that often and I will be forever grateful that I got mine.  Yes, change can be scary and so hard but you guys, life is worth living for! Don't take it for granted, don't hit rock bottom before realizing it's time to love yourself. Am I perfect at what I’m talking about? Nope, it’s something I continue to work on every day and have had to pick myself up again after my latest downfall but that’s for another post! Remember you are strong, you are beautiful, you are worth it!

Xo!