Not Just Baby Blues

"Sister.  She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink.  She is and always will be your best friend." - Babara Alpert.


Baby blues, postpartum depression/anxiety....Lately those words have been on my mind and it's time to share. I hate even writing them down because I had this perfect vision of what having two little girls would be like. Bringing Claire home from the hospital when she was a baby was scary and we had no idea what we were doing, but we loved every second of it.  I had never been happier, so doing it all over a second time would be just the same, right?  Claire was going to absolutely love being a big sister, I mean she loved taking care of her baby dolls, so she was bound to love a real life baby doll.  I had concerns here and there during the pregnancy that Claire might struggle with not being the main focus anymore, but we would shower her with love and help her adjust. They were going to be instant best friends and everything would be just perfect! Or would it?

The moment Claire walked in to the hospital to meet Sweet baby Josie I could tell she was nervous.  She was concerned with why I was in a hospital bed, why I had IV's in my arm, why I couldn't get up and play, why was I holding this new thing.  She hesitantly crawled up next to me to take a peek and said, "Oh she's so cute but when do you send her back?"  I quietly tried to explain that this was her new baby sister and it was up to her to show her the way.  That she was going to love being a big sister and would always have a friend by her side.  She was a little unsure and nervous but loved the idea of being a teacher.  She liked sitting next to me and stroking baby sister's cheek, but when it came time to leave, she was not cool with the fact that she had to go and Josie got to stay. That's when I first realized things may not go as perfectly as I had planned.

The first few days at home were a struggle.  Here was this sweet newborn baby with the perfect smell, the perfect tiny hands and feet, the delicate little body. She never cried, slept and ate like a champ, and for that, I'll be forever grateful. Claire on the other hand was not adjusting well to her big sister role.  Looking back at it, I don't blame her for not adjusting right off the bat, how could she?  I'm sure it was very confusing to her little mind as to why she had to share mom and dad.  She probably felt a little left behind or worried that we would forget about her and that breaks my heart. She was definitely struggling to tell us how she felt but instead of using words she chose to not sleep, ever, and it took a toll on all of us. 

Slowly each day I became angrier and angrier, worried more and more, and just cried ALL THE TIME.  I'd hide in my closet whenever I could get a moment alone and just cry until I couldn't breathe. I felt like I wasn't connecting with Josie the way I should be and I was confused by that.  John would never admit it, but I think we both felt alone. We had recently moved farther away from our family and friends and the drive to our house in the winter could get nasty.  We didn't have as many visitors come up to see Josie because of all the horrible sicknesses that go around in the winter and I didn't want to put her at risk, but I think I took it personally. With neither of us getting any sleep our communicating skills were lacking. I think most the time I just yelled at him or didn't talk at all. He probably had no clue what was going on with me, I didn't let him in.  I began to worry so much about every little thing possible that it physically made me ill.  I couldn't eat or didn't want to eat, and any time I had an anxiety attack I'd be stuck in the bathroom all night just as sick as could be.


I hated the fact that I was so sad all the time.  I wanted my happy self back and knew that I needed to be my best self for my two babes, but I was so scared I'd never crawl out of this dark pit. It was time to rework my recovery steps even if the situation was a little different this time. I started out by taking "me time" every single day, even if it was just taking a shower. Claire finally realized just how fun it was to be a bigger sister.  I let her participate more in daily routines that Josie needed.  She helped me pick out her outfits, her bows, even let her help with bottles.  I could see her face light up whenever she was helping. We set up daddy/Claire Bear special time, which meant Claire went out with dad and did something fun, while I got alone time with Josie. Having that alone time with my sweet little babe is what really started pulling me out of that deep, dark hole I felt like I was suffocating in.  There is nothing better than bonding with your baby.  I started exercising again, nothing too extreme, but even a walk around the neighborhood, breathing the fresh air, brought a smile to my face. I started writing in a journal again.  Writing down my thoughts and feelings in a book got everything out I was feeling inside with no room for judgement. Naps, naps, naps! As soon as Claire got comfortable with her big sister role, naps became an every day thing for us, and that saved us all. With all of us finally starting to get more sleep, John and I were able to communicate with each other so much better.  We became a team again, stronger than ever before.  We made a serious effort to get date nights in, started hanging out with good friends again, made some of the best new friends with our neighbors, and spent more time with family.

Should I have gone back to counseling or gotten help? Probably, I got pretty sick, but I chose not to. I chose to keep quiet and ride it out. Baby blues, postpartum depression/anxiety are once again illnesses that aren't talked about enough.  I feel like most women who experience them are ashamed of what they are feeling and that is 100% not ok.  We need to be open about it, we need to raise awareness. It's time to help mothers understand that becoming a new mother is hard, really hard, and it's alright if it doesn't click for you right away.  If you or anyone you know is suffering from baby blues or postpartum depression it is so important to ask for help.  I wish I would have. Honestly, I feel like I'm just barely getting back to myself completely.  It wasn't something that happened over night and I had to work really hard at being me again. Opening up on my Instagram and blog have helped me grow in so many ways.  Sharing these deep experiences I've been through have let me heal, helped me go for things I've always wanted to do, allowed me to be more open and talk about the scary things, and has led me to the most incredible people.  I hope that if anyone out there reading this has felt these things, know that I will always be a shoulder to lean on.

Sweet and gentle, yet full of fire.  1.5 years with little J and not a day goes by that I haven't been more grateful for the hole she filled in my heart I didn't was still there. Josie was the perfect addition to our family. The moment I realized she was everything this family had been missing was what started to save me all over again.  She was and still is the perfect little baby doll. Once again this mama was saved by her littles, and I hope one day they both know that. I will be forever grateful that I get to raise two sweet little girls who have become not only the cutest sisters, but the best of friends.

xo!